This Won't Hurt A Bit

Picture (mis?)appropriated from The DailyWTF. Nothing to do with what follows; I just like the picture.

I was reading the miserable, whining thread on apologies at OMGUbuntu and a comment reminded me of this.

Apparently, you’re supposed to sign up to it if you’re an aspirant Ubuntard. All very noble, like signing up to a chastity pledge. But what is it, exactly?

Well.

It’s five throat-clearing (this has nothing to do with chastity, naturally) paragraphs of marketing self-congratulation, which would have no place in an actual Code of Conduct. Followed by (headers with my translation):

Be considerate. (This is especially important when somebody on a Ubuntu site disagrees with you, however mildly. Be considerate of all our other lunatics, and, since you’re speaking for all of them, make sure that you call the EVIL TRAITOROUS M$ SHILL SCUM an asshole.)

Be respectful. (Some people may have problems with Ubuntu. They may even bring these problems on to a Ubuntu site. Respectfully point out to them that they are full of shit, should have RTFM — even though it doesn’t exist, need to understand the CLI, are expecting too much, and don’t deserve your attention in any way except to point out that their buttocks would be more attractive once somebody has torn a second asshole between them. Bonus points if, as with Bug 326066, they’re a silly person with an Indian name who’s provided you with four or five possible patches for a bug and asked politely for a review.)

Be collaborative. (Sometimes, it’s not enough for one person on a Ubuntu forum to blub that Lucid Lynx is the finest ever contribution to Mankind — technically, artistically, and for that little wet spot you get in your underpants whilst contemplating it. No, it’s not enough! Everybody else on the same thread should immediately jump in and say exactly the same thing.)

When we disagree, we consult others. (Not from upstream, obviously. And not users either. And we’re not all that bothered about documenters or testers or designers. To tell the truth, we don’t even care much about packagers, and obviously we have no time at all for developers. We have a shit-load of artificial “management boards” and self-declared gurus, but if I were you I’d just consult Mark. Mark knows best.)

When we are unsure, we ask for help. (You won’t regret it! Insults are good for you! Much better than getting things fixed!)

Step down considerately. (When “Being Considerate” just isn’t enough.)

This is like the Boy Scouts, only far less coherent. Unsurprisingly, practice rarely, if ever, conforms to theory.

For extra giggles, refer to the Ubuntu Leadership Code Of Conduct.

In a final exercise of pure bathos, note that:

The Ubuntu code of conduct is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 licence.

Ah.

Yes.

You need to license a fucking code of conduct?

Wow.

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Updated Aug 11th to incorporate Codethulhu and Bug 326066. It’s an endless spiral of pathetically obvious fail.